


So You Want to Move to Night Vale

by jouissant



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Gen, Night Vale Community Kink, Worldbuilding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-18
Updated: 2013-07-18
Packaged: 2017-12-20 14:53:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/888562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jouissant/pseuds/jouissant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A publication of the Night Vale Chamber of Commerce</p><p>Welcome to Night Vale! Whether you’re here for the thriving job market (opportunities in five dimensions and counting!), our agreeable climate, or in thrall to the Glow Cloud, this pamphlet is designed to answer your questions about relocating to our community. Please don’t hesitate to stop by our office at 172 E. Maple St. for free coffee, wireless internet, and a convenient portal into the gaping black maw of the Eternal Void.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So You Want to Move to Night Vale

**SO YOU WANT TO MOVE TO NIGHT VALE**

_A publication of the Night Vale Chamber of Commerce_

Welcome to Night Vale! Whether you’re here for the thriving job market (opportunities in five dimensions and counting!), our agreeable climate, or in thrall to the Glow Cloud, this pamphlet is designed to answer your questions about relocating to our community. Please don’t hesitate to stop by our office at 172 E. Maple St. for free coffee, wireless internet, and a convenient portal into the gaping black maw of the Eternal Void. 

REMINDER: Registration with the Sheriff’s Secret Police is required of all visitors upon arrival. Thank you for your cooperation! 

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

**REAL ESTATE**

**Q: How much is that house on the hill?**

**A:** The house on the hill is not for sale. 

**Q: But it has a ‘For Sale’ sign out front.**

**A:** The house on the hill is not for sale. 

**Q: But--**

**A:** Look, just trust me on this, okay? 

**UTILITIES**

**Q: How do I obtain electric service?**

**A:** The Night Vale Electric Company’s office hours are Monday-Friday, 8:30-4:30 and Saturday, midnight to 1:00 AM. Please remit an application for initiation of service along with your security deposit. We accept cash, check, animal sacrifice, and all major credit cards for your convenience. A complimentary copy of _Tesla Coils and You_ is included with new service. 

**Q: How do I obtain municipal water service?**

**A:** Connection to municipal water service is available for the duration of the full moon each month, by approval of the rusalka (water nymph) who dwells in the duckpond at Mill Grove Park. As a matter of caution, menstruating females should avoid coming into contact with the rusalka. Contract negotiations will be conducted in Ukrainian. Individuals not fluent in Ukrainian may engage the services of a translator for an additional fee of $75/hour (in quarters) payable to the one-legged mallard who guards the pond. Upon receipt of payment, your translator will assume human form.

**Q: How do I obtain a dumpster?**

**A:** Upon arrival in Night Vale, please contact the Department of Waste Management (Non-Radioactive Division) to coordinate delivery of your dumpster. Department workers will ensure that your dumpster is properly connected to the Eternal Void. Should you experience garbage regurgitation, your dumpster may be improperly connected to the Void. Please call 555-7828 and leave a message describing the exact nature of your problem. 

**Q: How much will my dumpster cost per month?**

**A:** Monthly fees will vary by household. Your dumpster should indicate its preferred tithe item. As a rule of thumb, however, you should allocate 5 lbs raw or rare steak per family member per month. Please keep household pets and small children away from your dumpster at all times. 

**Q: Does Night Vale have a recycling program?**

**A:** Yes! Night Vale is very proud of our community recycling program, spearheaded by Selma Lopez of Go Green Night Vale. The recycling center is located in the Interdimension between Night Vale and Mirror Night Vale, accessible via Highway 60. Recycled items may be picked up during business hours, Saturday and Sunday from 9:00 AM-12:00 PM. Note: Recycled items may be sentient. 

**GETTING AROUND**

**Q: Does Night Vale have a public transportation system?**

**A:** Night Vale Transit operates both bus and rail systems, including the Desert Bluffs Express and the Train to Nowhere. Full transit schedules are available online and at the Bus Depot. Generally, buses run on the half-hour. The Train to Nowhere does not operate on schedule. While this author cannot describe the Train to Nowhere, it has been intimated that you will know it when you see it. If you did not intend to board the Train to Nowhere, please consider self-defenestration at the earliest opportunity, as the doors are locked and no one can hear you scream. 

**EDUCATION**

**Q: Where can my children attend school?**

**A:** Night Vale Elementary, Night Vale Middle School, and Night Vale High School (Go Scorpions!) comprise Night Vale Independent School District. The school year runs from August 25- May 30 annually (exact dates vary). We recommend homeschooling your children prior to kindergarten, as their young and tender flesh is just so tempting. Community members with offspring in the larval stage are encouraged to contact the Night Vale Regional Apiary with questions or concerns. 

**COMMUNITY INVOLVEMENT AND VOLUNTEERING**

**Q: What are my options for getting involved in the community?**

**A:** We’re so glad you asked! While the Night Vale City Council has remained unchanged and everlasting since the founding of our fair city (possibly since the dawn of time immemorial), please consider volunteering yourself or a family member for ritual sacrifice should you tire of your meaningless existence. Night Vale needs you--or your hot, sweet lifeblood and internal organs. Those soft meat crowns don’t make themselves!

Additionally, the Night Vale Parks and Recreation Department is recruiting volunteers for tumbleweed removal in the Sand Wastes. Caution: Arachnophobic individuals are discouraged from applying. 

**RECREATION**

**Q: Does Night Vale have a park system?**

**A:** Yes! Night Vale Parks and Recreation maintains community greenspace including Mill Grove Park, North Night Vale Park, the Sand Wastes, and the dog park. We should reiterate here that under no circumstances should Night Vale residents or their canine companions enter the dog park. Repeat, DO NOT ENTER THE DOG PARK. Additionally, no cries of jubilation, terrified screams, or sounds of rending flesh and bone emanate from the dog park. Ever. You should get your hearing checked. (Please visit Night Vale General Hospital’s Department of Otolaryngology for your complimentary screening.)

Night Vale also maintains a network of hiking and jogging trails throughout the city, although users are cautioned against venturing into dense tree cover and/or shadows, as individuals have been known to disappear into these areas, never to return. The Night Vale Marathon is celebrating its 10th anniversary this year! The Marathon is held on October 31st as a joint effort of the Night Vale Road Runners and the Mirror Night Vale Hash House Harriers. Participants are warned that they may experience spontaneous growth of facial hair as they cross the Interdimension into Mirror Night Vale. A creeping sense of existential dread is also possible. Cash prizes for age group winners and post-race party catered by Rico’s Pizza and Night Vale Brewing Company, home of Eyeball Pale Ale!

Mill Grove Park’s athletic facilities are home to Night Vale Recreational Sports Leagues, including mixed species soccer, kickball, and basketball teams. Please visit www.nightvalerecsports.org for more details and team schedules.

***

We hope this pamphlet has been informative and helpful! For more information and the latest Night Vale news, don’t forget to tune in to Night Vale Community Radio’s Welcome to Night Vale, hosted by Cecil Baldwin. We have been asked to reiterate that this program is particularly relevant to any visiting scientists who may be new to town and in need of a roguishly handsome, bespectacled guide to the particularities of our community.

From here to eternity: **Goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight.**

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [So You Want To Move To Night Vale [Podfic]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/975089) by [WhiteHaru37](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiteHaru37/pseuds/WhiteHaru37)




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